Of course I did not know at the moment that he was
lying.
Relief flooded in.
“Why?” came
the consecutive question.
“Just asking” I smiled as I typed.
I changed the topic and
we went on talking.
The dreaded day came; the day when his batch passed
out.
It made a difference. I could no longer see him in
the halls or catch him in the canteen and see that gorgeous smile. But I could
chat with him and besides I knew him better there.
My notebooks were full of scribbles. His and my
name: it sounded so good together.
The smallest initials
would be carved on my palm with my favorite pen.
His comments on my
pictures, my statuses, his passion, our conversations, even the way he gave me
picture courtesy on my brother’s group picture that I would take, just made me
swoon. I was over the top.
Our conversations did
not end with his farewell. If anything, we talked even more.
He was teasing me again one day, and like always, not giving in, that it was him I liked, after all.
I can remember the discussion as if it were
yesterday.
“This love is useless. No one should fall in love,
you know?”
“Why would you say that?” I frowned.
“Because I’m afraid”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid of all the posts that you are keeping these
days. You seem be in love with someone. And I’m afraid you’ll get your heart
broken.”
“Haha” I said.
“Don’t be in love. It’s no good.”
“And you would know? Does that mean you have someone
in your life?
“Haha. No, this love thing is just not for me.”
“Then you wouldn’t know”
“You shouldn’t be in love” he ignored the statement.
“What if I want to be?” I challenged him.
“Then tell me who it is”
“I’ve said it many times. It’s you”. I sighed as I
typed.
“You really like to kid around, don’t you kid?”
“I’m not a kid!”
“My friend’s sister is my sister. So kid :P”
I gave up.
But surely, someone who belittled love in that way,
would not have someone in their life?
Little did I know how
wrong I was.
I had tickets for the annual school festival.
“Can you and your friends come?” I asked my brother.
“Sure.”
My heart leapt. It meant he would be coming too.
Great. I’ll leave you 5 tickets then? I counted five
tickets on my ticket book and started looking for a pen to write down the
names.
“Make it 6.” He said as he took a swig from his
water bottle.
“6? Since when did you guys become 6?”
“The rockstar will bring his girlfriend” he winked
at me.
I stopped short. rockstar was what my brother called
him.
“Ohhh” I tried to smile. “Okay”
He took the tickets and went to his room.
To say that I was heartbroken would not even begin
to define what I felt. My vision was blurring. A sudden headache began to form.
“Don’t fall in love” he had said.
“Love is worthless”
So this is what it was all about?
I know I should have backed off right then and there.
But I didn’t.
Maybe it was him denying any of it, but I just could
not bring myself to accept the fact wholeheartedly that he did indeed have
someone else in his life.
I saw them together at the school fest, trying to be
subtle, close enough to catch each other’s eye but not close enough for people
to notice.
She was pretty. She wore a sundress with flower
prints that fell to her knee.
Have you ever tried to see someone you like be with
someone else, someone that they like? It is not easy.
I tried my best to look okay. I don’t know if he was
ignoring me that day or just felt guilty about all that ‘don’t fall in love’
talks. Either way, he barely looked at me that day.
Needless to say, I was
crushed.
Our conversations began to get rare after that. He
was starting to have a busy schedule with college now.
That summer I travelled with my family.
I saw a keyring that would be perfect for him. I had
to get it. And I did.
I got the keyring but since he seldom came home
these days because of his busy schedule, I handed the keyring to my brother. I
had no other way.
I clearly remember the bewildered look he gave me.
Maybe my otherwise idiot of a brother didn’t really understand
my mood on other days, but that day he put two and two together.
That was the day my
brother found out.
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
He didn’t say anything; my brother has never said anything
outright about his disapproval, but I noticed in his behavior.
Neither of us confronted the other.
I guess my brother did
give him the keyring though, because the already rare conversations were now
extinct.
His passion became his life; literally! when he
joined a band. I couldn’t have been happier. When you are passionate about the
work you do, it never really seems like work.
I smiled at the thought of how big this is for him.
“Congratulations!” I wrote, in the once populated
with words, but now deserted chat.
The message was seen.
It hurt more than
seeing him with that girl.
Despite all of that, I just couldn’t stop. No matter
the ignorance, no matter if there were barely two words spoken between us or
any contact at all that I could hold on to, I couldn’t let go.
My eyes longed to see for him, searched for him in
everyday life, if I could just accidently catch a sight of him even for one
second.
I always bought tickets to his concerts.
I always looked up his stories, his posts. I know
none of this mattered to him. But it was what kept me going.
Maybe it was still hope, but I was certain there
were never pictures of them together, perhaps people were just teasing?
Looking up if he was online had become a daily habit
now; I know he never spoke. The last message that I sent which he hadn’t
replied had been years ago. But there was something comforting about seeing him
online. It was like he’s…. here.
Yeah, there was no
doubt, my cousins were starting to call me crazy by now.
His birthday was coming up and I knew just the
perfect birthday present for him.
I decided I would make it with my own hands; I also
decided that it would the last time I would be doing anything for him.
This would be my way of bidding adieu.
I got some craft paper,
paper glue, pens, pencils, stickers and got to work.
A week later, I was done, and I was proud of the
creation.
He would be so happy, I smiled imagining him opening
it.
I had made him a photobook of his musical journey. I
had kept hold of every newspaper article, every photo every that made way to
where he is now.
It was basically his passion in physical form.
Barely able to contain my excitement, I typed in the
chat box: is there way I could meet you? It’s important.
I checked before bed. 7:24 pm seen.
Sleep did not come easy
that night.
I did not want to hand it over to my brother this
time, no way.
I packed up the photobook and sent it in a parcel to
his house, with no name and no return address.
Only a note: “I hope you believe me now”
In a funny way, we both had not believed the other
all along, even though, we somewhere knew that what we were trying to deny was
true.
He had not believed that it was him that I had
always liked and I had not believed that there was someone with him.
Now he would know.
And I was content by the mere fact that at least now
I knew, that he knew.
And that was the end of
it.
“And that was the end of it…..” she
repeated staring off into the distance.
There was a long pause.
“Wow……I just….wow” I was at a loss of
words.
She was looking at a couple of kids playing.
“If you don’t mind me asking,’ I
fidgeted with my fingers “How long has it been?”
There was a deep breath as she closed
her eyes. “10 years”
“What??” My eyes bulged wide open. “10
years?”
“It has been 10 years”
I gave her some time. The absence of
words did not seem so uncomfortable.
“How come you told me the story, all of
it I mean?”
She looked at me, and I swear I could
see a hint of moisture in her eyes “Sometimes, the deepest of secrets can come
out in front of complete strangers than even the best of friends”
I took that in.
“I guess that means I look trustworthy.”
I joked.
She giggled. At least the atmosphere
seemed to lighten up.
“It must have been a great burden, huh?
To keep all this in for such a long time? To can’t let go; I don’t want to be judgmental
but you do not look like someone who would normally open up about their
feelings.
“I guess so” she agreed.
“I’m sorry, I have to ask” I shifted and
turned to face her “Why now, why after all these years?”
She took a long time to answer that one
and I almost apologized for asking when she said it.
“Because he’s getting married this year,
I finally have to believe it, even if he said otherwise”
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