Through Rose Colored Glasses: Part 1

It was the weekend, and while I wanted to lay it off at home, something in me made me want to go visit the park at Naxal.

I hadn’t been there yet.

I took my scooter and delighted in the empty roads that Saturdays are.

I got a good place to sit. I had brought my book and my earphones. The weather was perfect; I was going to have a great time.

I was listening to a classic song: La Vien Rose, Louis Armstrong version. You must have heard it too. The literal translation is through rose colored glasses.

I hummed without even realizing:

“And when you speak
Angels sing from above
Every day words
Seems to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose”

I sighed. I wondered what it was like to be in love. It wasn’t helping that I was reading a love story, either.

Oh come on! That little voice in my head said. This is a day to relax.

“It is a day to relax!” I said out loud now. I snapped the book shut.

My eyes wandered around the park. Couples lost in each other; little kids; couples watching their kids and shouting not to go too far.

What must it be like? My thoughts lost track again. What must it feel like to feel that way? To not stop thinking about someone? To have them feel the same way about you?

And then, my wandering eyes stopped on her.

She straight up had that girl next door look about her. The sweet, innocent girl who didn’t say much but she was storming up inside.

Yeah, that was definitely her.

She looked dazed, lost in her own world. She’d smile randomly. Of course, I couldn’t see what she was smiling at. But, I knew this was not one of those smiles for someone or something in front of you.

 “What’s her story?” I felt curious.

I didn’t realize I had been staring, until she glanced at me.

I blushed.

Okay, no way I could get my head into the book now.

I marched up to her.

“Hi” I waved my hand in front of her face “Do you mind if I sit with you?”

The hesitation was evident: she gulped, shifted slightly and looked below. She was clearly not a conversationalist.

“Only if you want me to” I tried to be more warm.

She looked up at me. I saw her more clearly now. Straight hair up to her shoulders, glasses behind which she tried to hide her emotions, mouth slightly apart as if she were battling within herself, whether or not to say what she is thinking.

“Sure” she gave it some thought.

I took a seat.

With a deep breath, I started “Look, I didn’t mean to be rude by staring like that. I was just absorbed in my own thoughts. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. That happens.”

“It does, doesn’t it? To be honest, I was just thinking what it would be like to be in love, you know? I happened to be listening to a romantic song and reading a love story” I giggled.

She was lost in her own thoughts again.

“Sorry, I’m rambling.” I gathered my stuff. “I think my staying here would….”

“It’s uncanny, this love” she spoke up.

I stopped.

“It is” I agreed “If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever been in love?”

For the first time since she spoke, she really looked at me, and the deepness in her eyes both frightened and intrigued me.

“I have been in love and I haven’t felt love, either”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I could not hide my surprise.

And then, she told me her story.
________________________________________________________________________________

He was a senior.

I saw him for the first time in the corridor of our high school. Something about him just instantly pulled me towards him. And I just instantly became his fan.

Fan! That’s a funny word to start with. Because he actually went on to be in a band.

Regardless, I was drawn to him. I liked the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, and it was that smile that made me run across the hall at times, to catch a glimpse of him.

I learnt his name when the results were published out on the school notice board. And I did not lose one moment in searching him up on social media. I sent a friend request his way.

I was overwhelmed with joy when he accepted.

Of course the joy came to an abrupt hiatus, when I found out he was my brother’s friend.
__________________________________________________________________________________

The slight bump on the road did not stop this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I saw him. I only saw it as an opportunity to talk to him.

Sadly, he took it in the other way. I was now his friend’s little sister: yay me.

We would talk about studies, the school teachers: hey! We had to start somewhere! The more we talked, the more I found myself falling for him.

It was the classic cliché: falling for your brother’s friend! But who would’ve consoled this heart?

Days would be spent with my eyes searching the crowd for that one familiar face. Sometimes, when he walked past my class, and we happened to look at each other, he would wave; I would wait all day for that wave.

Dreaming with my eyes open became common. I would walk really slow when I passed his class. And when he smiled: it caught me off-guard every single damn time! And I would smile the whole day through, just remembering that one smile, you know?

His aura made everything better; the worst days would turn around, if I could catch a sight of him.

I was, as they say: seeing life through rose colored glasses.
_________________________________________________________________________________

My cousins were the first I told.

Although they squealed with delight at the thought of their sister falling head over heels for someone, they were not amused with who he was.

“He’s not even good looking! What do you even see in him?” they pouted. “And remember, he’s your brother’s friend!”

But his looks were the least of my concern. He had a hold on my heart that I could not break. And I had gotten far too ahead on this road to go back now.
_________________________________________________________________________________

As we talked, he began to open up. He would share about his interest in music. I was the dazed listener, or in this case, the reader as it was usually in chat that we spoke.

I tried in my ways, to tell him how I felt. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was everything. But I still had to tell, because at least I had to try and let him know of all these feelings.

And believe me, I tried in my own ways. I put out a lot of statuses hoping he would get that hint.

One day, as anticipated, he asked. “What’s up with your new status? Seems like it is dedicated to someone ;)”

The sight of a message from him made me feel all warm inside.

My fingers took to typing, as if they had a life of their own, “Yeah it is”

“So, who’s the lucky guy?”

I paused. And then I went for it “You”

I waited, what would he say?

It was a while before he sent a message again. “Yeah sure. Haha. Nice one!”

“Yeah, you got me there.J”

I could not say more.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Despite these shortcomings, we continued to talk. I never knew if he told my brother about these conversation, and I do not intend to find out either.

He used to come home a lot. Everyone at home knew him. Having him home so often did not make things any easier for me.

I was always caught up between stealing glances at him and then not looking at him enough, so my brother wouldn’t notice.

This included randomly dropping things, phasing out of conversations at home and shaky hands carrying snacks to my brother’s room.
__________________________________________________________________________________

And then one day, the inevitable happened.

I heard girls of his class talking during lunch that they had seen him with some girl. I can never explain the coldness that grasped my heart at that moment. It was all I could think about.

Was it true?

Was he involved with someone?

Did he have a girlfriend?

Should I ask him about it?

Is that the reason he brushes it off even though I’ve confessed that it is him, countless times?

Should I ask my brother?

No, I can’t ask my brother!

Needless to say, my mind was not in a sane state.

This went on for a few days.

One evening, I saw him online.

I mustered up all my strength and started the conversation.

“I heard you have a girlfriend. Is it true?”

I counted the seconds till he replied: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

It felt like an eternity before he did. 49,50.

“No. What made you think that?”

I let go of the breath I did not realize I had been holding

He had lied.