To The Birthday Girl

I remember you every now and then. But this time of the year, I remember you the most. For someone who always remembers dates; whether it is birthdays or anniversaries, how can I ever forget the birthday of one of my favorite people? Happy Birthday! You would have turned 29 this year. And every year I cannot help but wonder how you would have been; where you would have been; how you would have looked like and what you would have been doing if you were here.

I just finished reading this book called “The Lovely Bones”. Although I had somewhat watched the movie way back then, this time I saw the movie in a different light. The circumstances are not the same, of course. But, I couldn’t help but remember you. I couldn’t help but wonder if you are also watching us from above. I cannot help but wonder if you are living some of the greatest moments in life that you missed through my moments or your sister’s just like Susie did in the book. To be honest, you are never too far from my thoughts during the big moments in life. And it hurts me so bad to think that we will never be able to see you achieving those big moments in life. I yearned so hard, wanted so bad for Susie to get some closure in the book; for her family to get closure on the matter but it did not happen. Maybe because for so long, I haven’t gotten mine either.

It has always haunted me that we were talking of meeting up only one month before what happened. Would things have been different if we had met up? Could I have changed what happened? Could I have helped you in anyway? Could I have made you feel better? A countless what ifs, the answers to which I will never get. I wish I were more there for you. I wish I had not let your new life and your new group of friends get in the way of our friendship. More than anything, I wish you were still here.

I miss you more than words than can ever justify.

Love,

The Girl who Tries to Put Her Feelings Into Words

Comments

Rajamati

I think we’ve all heard the song of Rajamati growing up. It is so popular that many people in Nepal claim this is the only Newari song that they have heard. The song was written some 200 years back. The first few lines go like this, which I’m sure you must have heard of, unless you’ve been living under a rock: Rājamati kumati, jike wasā pirati Hāya bābā Rājamati-chā Rājamati mabila dhāsā Kāshi wane tela bubā Hayā biu Rājamati-chā. San dhāsā kuli kuli, mikhā dhāsā bālā bālā Sakumi yā mhyāy machā lā Khwā dhāsā tuyu khwā, khwālay niga tee du Tāhā Nani yā Rājamati-chā. It is said to be written by or rather from the perspective of a man who was infatuated and in awe of the beauty of Rajamati. He describes with great admiration: her hair, her eyes, her complexion and the little moles on her face. However it is unknown who the writer of this beautiful song is. The song rushed into popularity after it was played in England in 1850 when Prime Minister Jung Bahadur Rana vi...

The Leaving vs The Left Behind

I still remember, I was standing near the entrance looking out at the garden. I was at my best friend’s home and she had gone to get her ever famous chips chilly for me. I was to leave for Bangalore again, in a couple of days. While I waited, I looked out at the garden and this thought came into my head. “Who is it harder for? The one leaving or the ones left behind?” Is it going to be harder for me in a new place readjusting and exploring, or my best friend here, who will me miss me? Is it harder for a person to settle in a completely new place with a completely new lifestyle and have to find new people or for a person to see the same old places, the same old alleys and reminiscent the good times they had with their friend who are not around at the moment? It was a random thought that filled my mind a couple of minutes and then I got over it. Some time after resettling here in Bangalore, my best friend sent me a reel. The reel was about 2 close friends who used to lived ...

Most Asked Question

Coming back home after one year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me the past month. Getting to see everyone again, embracing family and friends, working on an office desk again, walking through same old alleys and of course, devouring delicious food that I so dearly missed. I am actually almost through the food list that I have been saving. But the people have been asking me the same question a lot: do you like it here in Nepal or in Bangalore? And the answer has always been the same for me: I like it wherever I am. Kathmandu is home, it is warm, and it is where family is. Bangalore is a different vibe and freedom and excitement. Kathmandu is a different fun and Bangalore is different fun, which is why I live in the moment and enjoy where I am. My mother always tells me: “ La wani tha nya wani ma” in Nepal Bhasa meaning “ the fish must go where the water goes”. The meaning while very basic is also very deep. If the fish does not flow with the water, it cannot survive. I...

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