Confessions of a One Sided Lover

 

I still remember the first time I saw you. You seemed like the guy next door; any guy I could pass by without a second glance, in fact. But, of course, you were more than that. Had I known how much of an impact you were to make on me, I would’ve paid more attention to you and your details. You were anything but the ordinary that I first thought you were. 

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve stolen glances at you without you knowing. I know that might come off as creepy. But these moments were just mine, you know? I found solace in these moments because these were the only moments that I look at you for real. I noticed the curve of your smile, the tip of your nose, the shine in your eyes, the strength in your arms. How I wished I could admire you from closer, but I never found the courage. 

Every time you talked to me about the most mundane things; making small talk, I was screaming from the inside; “ I like you! Can’t you see it?” I wanted to shake your shoulders and ask you how you could not notice how I remember the little things you told me or the way I look at you. How can you not know how perfect you are to me? But all that comes out of me is a polite nod to whatever you are telling me and the obvious “oh really?” Because you noticing that was the last thing I wanted. It’s funny, I wanted you to know but I didn't want you to know either, you know? I was scared to the core that one day you would just notice and see it and never speak to me again. I was scared you would see it. You not knowing, I could do; you not talking to me, that would kill me inside. 

I still have it; that pen you gave me that one time in middle school. After all these years, I’ve still kept it safe. 

I do not know why I'm bringing this up after all this time. Perhaps, I needed to write this down somewhere, somehow and just tuck it away although it is beyond over. 

I wonder how you look now, how you are; whether you still have that dazzling smile. You have no idea how weak that smile used to make me in the knees, back then. 

I hope you are happy and safe wherever you are.

Love,

The Girl Who Could Never Tell You How Much She Loves You