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To The One That Got Away

I found out about you when you were 6 weeks along. Oh, how excited how I was! I couldn’t stop smiling. And when I told your father, I kid you not; he jumped up and threw his fist in the air. He lifted me up and spun me around. We were so happy! We were so happy to know that you would be coming along.

We could not wait to tell your grandparents. You should’ve have seen how your grandmother giggled like a little girl and took me in her embrace. “I’m going to be a granddaddy!” your grandfather shouted out gleefully. We all waited for your arrival impatiently.

A visit to the doctor’s only confirmed our happiness.

“Congratulations!” the doctor beamed.

Your father squeezed my hand as he smiled at her.

“Boy or girl?” your father asked me countless times. “I want a healthy baby” was all I ever answered in return, slyly.

I was going to take no chances with you. I began to watch what I was eating; after all, I was eating for two, now. Your grandmother called me every day to make sure I was eating the right things on time. Your father had to deal with a lot of my cravings but I really have to give it to him for being such a sweetheart throughout. Sometimes, I woke up him up at 12:30 am.

We slowly began to decorate your room. Your father brought in the cutest teddy bears he saw on his way back from work. We began to clear some stuff to make space for you in that room. We were both so happy.

I started to read to you every night. Short stories at first; your grandmother had given me all of my books from when I was a kid. Other times, I would just tell you about my day. And when your father was not around, I’d complain about him to you. But shh! That’s a secret between just the two of us.

We planned everything; what we didn’t plan was losing you.

I don’t know what happened. One morning I woke up with this sharp pain. Your father rushed me to the doctor’s. Tests after tests were taken. Every second fell like an hour when we were there. I prayed with all my heart that nothing was wrong. But something about the doctor’s face confirmed what I was dreading before she even uttered a word.

You were gone.

The doctor tried to be as sympathetic as possible but everything else was just a blur after that. The doctor talking, the ride home, your grandparents visiting: all a blur.

“Sometimes, these things happen”, the doctor had said. “It’s not your fault.”

But it is my fault, a voice in my head would say. We were so careful with you. I don’t know where I went wrong. Every day I ask myself what went wrong; what I did wrong.

I’m so sorry; please forgive me.

I’m so so sorry.

You will forgive mommy, won’t you?

I promise that if you come, I will make you stay this time. So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away.

I love you so much!

The Mother who never really got to hold you in her arms

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