To The One That Got Away

I found out about you when you were 6 weeks along. Oh, how excited how I was! I couldn’t stop smiling. And when I told your father, I kid you not; he jumped up and threw his fist in the air. He lifted me up and spun me around. We were so happy! We were so happy to know that you would be coming along.

We could not wait to tell your grandparents. You should’ve have seen how your grandmother giggled like a little girl and took me in her embrace. “I’m going to be a granddaddy!” your grandfather shouted out gleefully. We all waited for your arrival impatiently.

A visit to the doctor’s only confirmed our happiness.

“Congratulations!” the doctor beamed.

Your father squeezed my hand as he smiled at her.

“Boy or girl?” your father asked me countless times. “I want a healthy baby” was all I ever answered in return, slyly.

I was going to take no chances with you. I began to watch what I was eating; after all, I was eating for two, now. Your grandmother called me every day to make sure I was eating the right things on time. Your father had to deal with a lot of my cravings but I really have to give it to him for being such a sweetheart throughout. Sometimes, I woke up him up at 12:30 am.

We slowly began to decorate your room. Your father brought in the cutest teddy bears he saw on his way back from work. We began to clear some stuff to make space for you in that room. We were both so happy.

I started to read to you every night. Short stories at first; your grandmother had given me all of my books from when I was a kid. Other times, I would just tell you about my day. And when your father was not around, I’d complain about him to you. But shh! That’s a secret between just the two of us.

We planned everything; what we didn’t plan was losing you.

I don’t know what happened. One morning I woke up with this sharp pain. Your father rushed me to the doctor’s. Tests after tests were taken. Every second fell like an hour when we were there. I prayed with all my heart that nothing was wrong. But something about the doctor’s face confirmed what I was dreading before she even uttered a word.

You were gone.

The doctor tried to be as sympathetic as possible but everything else was just a blur after that. The doctor talking, the ride home, your grandparents visiting: all a blur.

“Sometimes, these things happen”, the doctor had said. “It’s not your fault.”

But it is my fault, a voice in my head would say. We were so careful with you. I don’t know where I went wrong. Every day I ask myself what went wrong; what I did wrong.

I’m so sorry; please forgive me.

I’m so so sorry.

You will forgive mommy, won’t you?

I promise that if you come, I will make you stay this time. So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away.

I love you so much!

The Mother who never really got to hold you in her arms

Comments

Rajamati

I think we’ve all heard the song of Rajamati growing up. It is so popular that many people in Nepal claim this is the only Newari song that they have heard. The song was written some 200 years back. The first few lines go like this, which I’m sure you must have heard of, unless you’ve been living under a rock: Rājamati kumati, jike wasā pirati Hāya bābā Rājamati-chā Rājamati mabila dhāsā Kāshi wane tela bubā Hayā biu Rājamati-chā. San dhāsā kuli kuli, mikhā dhāsā bālā bālā Sakumi yā mhyāy machā lā Khwā dhāsā tuyu khwā, khwālay niga tee du Tāhā Nani yā Rājamati-chā. It is said to be written by or rather from the perspective of a man who was infatuated and in awe of the beauty of Rajamati. He describes with great admiration: her hair, her eyes, her complexion and the little moles on her face. However it is unknown who the writer of this beautiful song is. The song rushed into popularity after it was played in England in 1850 when Prime Minister Jung Bahadur Rana vi

The Leaving vs The Left Behind

I still remember, I was standing near the entrance looking out at the garden. I was at my best friend’s home and she had gone to get her ever famous chips chilly for me. I was to leave for Bangalore again, in a couple of days. While I waited, I looked out at the garden and this thought came into my head. “Who is it harder for? The one leaving or the ones left behind?” Is it going to be harder for me in a new place readjusting and exploring, or my best friend here, who will me miss me? Is it harder for a person to settle in a completely new place with a completely new lifestyle and have to find new people or for a person to see the same old places, the same old alleys and reminiscent the good times they had with their friend who are not around at the moment? It was a random thought that filled my mind a couple of minutes and then I got over it. Some time after resettling here in Bangalore, my best friend sent me a reel. The reel was about 2 close friends who used to lived minutes a

Most Asked Question

Coming back home after one year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me the past month. Getting to see everyone again, embracing family and friends, working on an office desk again, walking through same old alleys and of course, devouring delicious food that I so dearly missed. I am actually almost through the food list that I have been saving. But the people have been asking me the same question a lot: do you like it here in Nepal or in Bangalore? And the answer has always been the same for me: I like it wherever I am. Kathmandu is home, it is warm, and it is where family is. Bangalore is a different vibe and freedom and excitement. Kathmandu is a different fun and Bangalore is different fun, which is why I live in the moment and enjoy where I am. My mother always tells me: “ La wani tha nya wani ma” in Nepal Bhasa meaning “ the fish must go where the water goes”. The meaning while very basic is also very deep. If the fish does not flow with the water, it cannot survive. If yo

My World

Search This Blog